Yesterday was World Pet Memorial Day and I thought this would be a good time to think about a question that I have been asked but that I myself have come across in my own grief journey:
When is the right time to adopt a new pet?
Many of us who have pets love animals so when we lose our pet, not only is it incredibly painful and heartbreaking but it also feels lonely. Our pets give us so much joy, happiness and love. They are our companions, friends, confidantes. And even though we know that they are unlikely to outlive us, when the time comes, it is shocking and difficult and painful.
You might feel like you have a lot of love to give and nobody to give it to. You might feel that having a new pet might help you to heal from losing your beloved one that you have lost. And that is completely okay. Giving a loving home to a new pet is a wonderful and rewarding thing to do.
You might feel like adopting a new pet is a betrayal. You might feel it is too painful for you to even contemplate right now or maybe ever. You might feel that you can never go through the heartbreak of losing a beloved pet again. And that is completely okay too.
I think you know where I’m going with this.
When is the right time to adopt a new pet?
When you feel ready. Only you will know when that is.
And if the answer is never, then that is okay. Please don’t put pressure on yourself.
Adopting a new pet is a big decision and one you need to feel at peace with.
I’m going to share my own experience with you in the hope that it might give you some comfort or food for thought.
In a previous blog post (“When your heart breaks”- you might like to check it out) I wrote about having to put my lovely cat Charlie to sleep.
Five weeks after she died, I made the decision to donate some of her things to the adoption center where we adopted her from. I thought it would be a nice way of honouring her but I did cry all the way there because as I’m sure you can imagine, it felt like letting her go all over again.
Donating her things went well and the volunteers at the center were lovely. But of course it’s an adoption center and I couldn’t help myself - I went to look at the cats.
I met a cat that was really lovely and a volunteer appeared like magic to tell me about the cat’s history and her character and personality. Whilst I was there, I kept asking, myself am I ready? Truthfully, I had no idea what the answer was.
In the end I left, telling the volunteer I had to discuss it with my partner. What followed was a week of agony.
I talked myself in and out of adopting the cat.
I had sleepless nights.
I felt anxious.
I looked at things in the house and thought, I’m going to have to do something about this if I want to adopt this cat. Like the reading chair Charlie used to sleep on that I hadn’t yet hoovered.
I spent hours online searching for advice, for someone to tell me what to do. I asked friends and family with everyone telling me something different, it’s too soon, get a kitten instead.
In the end I made myself quite ill and I felt very torn. And then like so often in life, I was driving somewhere and I suddenly had a moment of clarity. If I adopted this cat, as lovely as she seemed, I would have to take her to the Vet’s for a health check. And the thought made me feel physically sick.
That’s the moment I knew that I’m not ready to adopt a new cat just yet. And once I allowed myself to acknowledge that, a sense of relief washed over me.
And in case you’re wondering, the cat did get adopted by someone else and I hope with all my heart that she has gone to a loving home where she will be cherished.
So you see, grief is not an easy or straight forward journey. You might feel differently to me and that’s fine.
It’s important that you do what feels right for you and make a decision that you are happy and at peace with.
Here are some of the things you might like to consider before adopting a new pet:
Don't rush into a decision - don't put pressure on yourself and more importantly don't be rushed in your decision making by well meaning family and friends (Seniors Guide Staff, 2020), (Cats Protection)
Think about whether you feel that you have processed your grief (Seniors Guide Staff, 2020) – this might mean reflecting on whether you are still struggling with feelings of guilt or experiencing anger. It might mean reflecting on how you are coping with day to day life and whether you feel ready to open your heart to a new pet.
Be aware that a new pet cannot replace the pet that you have lost because you can’t simply replace the individual, unique relationship that you had with your pet (Seniors Guide Staff, 2020)
Remember that your new pet will have a different personality to the one you have lost (Seniors Guide Staff, 2020) - this is important to remember because the last thing you want is to feel resentful towards your new pet because they behave differently to the pet that you have lost
Think about what kind of pet you might like – you might wish to consider a different breed, size or a different type of animal all together (Seniors Guide Staff, 2020).
If you have other pets, you might like to think about their needs before adopting a new pet (Seniors Guide Staff, 2020) – remember that pets grieve too
Make sure that everyone you live with is also happy to adopt a new pet – everyone grieves differently and at their own pace, so you might wish to have an open dialogue to make sure that everyone is involved in the decision and that everyone’s feelings are considered (Seniors Guide Staff, 2020)
If you don’t feel ready to adopt a new pet, please don’t worry. That’s okay. If you find yourself missing the companionship of animals, you might like to think about volunteering at an animal sanctuary or shelter.
Whatever you decide to do, give yourself the time you need to grieve and trust yourself to know when you’re ready to welcome a new pet into your life and into your heart.
References
Seniors Guide Staff (2020). Dealing with Loss: When to get a new pet after one dies, Seniors Guide, https://www.seniorsguide.com, accessed on 29.04.2024
Cats Protection. Coping with the Loss of a Cat, https://www.cats.org.uk, accessed on 29.04.2024
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